Forgiving Someone Who Clearly Wasn’t Sorry.

I recently had to forgive someone who clearly wasn’t sorry.

A couple of years ago, I would have handled the situation differently. Sure, it may have felt great to confront someone to their face, get mad, and make them look like an idiot… but that doesn’t get you anywhere. That type of reaction doesn’t make the situation better, it solves nothing, and could just make you look like a bigger idiot in the end.

I’ve always had trust issues. However, I have been getting better at letting the past stay in the past – but it still stings when someone close to you, someone you trust, betrays you. I recently had a good friend, who I would have done anything for, betray me. When it comes to my friends, I’m very loyal, so I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. I was so caught off guard that it took me a good week and a half to decide what to do. Of course, there are always a few ways of handling these types of things; some good, and some bad. When I found out, my blood was boiling and my anxiety was through the roof. I wanted to punch somebody, and yet a part of me wanted to cry. 

I knew this person wasn’t sorry, and had a history of doing things like this. I initially ignored what others told me about this person, and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt; but sometimes things don’t play out as planned. So what did I do? I decided to hand my problem over to God. I decided to not let that person bring me down to their level, and I decided to let everything go. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t believe this was how I decided to handle things; this isn’t my nature, but I believed this was the least stressful, and more mature way of going about it. This individual most likely has issues of their own and the only thing I can do is pray for them… but in the end, I can forgive them. I have forgiven them.

SO, how do I move on from the situation? I trust that God will handle it and maybe take that person under his wing and give them guidance to live a less hateful and deconstructive life. Sure, I was hurt (I’m only human), so my first instinct was to hurt them back – but I am thankful that I sat on the situation before reacting. Remember, the first reaction is hardly ever the right one, especially when it’s sprouted out of adrenaline. Moving forward, if (and when) I’m put in a situation where this person will be there, I’ll continue to be myself and trust that God has handled it.

The worst part of betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.

When you are betrayed, how do you handle the situation?

Comments

  • H

    found your blog through this post and loved it

    Reply to H
  • Selene

    I guess your heart is sooo big, girl 🙂

    Reply to Selene
  • Katie from FaithWords Publishing

    Hi Taralynn, great and though provoking post! Jen mentioned LIVE LOVE LEAD by Brian Houston (it’s coming out Tuesday). Anyways, we’d be glad to send you a copy!

    Katie
    FaithWords

    Reply to Katie from FaithWords Publishing
  • Nancy

    Thank you so much Taralynn! I just this minute came to your site for the Protein Fluff recipe, but God knew I needed to read these words also. Yesterday my daughter was betrayed by so-called Christian friends. It makes the hurt even deeper. As the mom, my Mother Bear instincts want to lash out and put them in their place, but you have reminded me what I and my dear daughter should really do. I know it will not be the easiest thing we have done, for the heart of a teen girl is so tender and vulnerable, but in the end as you so beautifully share, it is best to give it to God. Thank you for being His vessel of wisdom this morning to this sad mama. Your words were a soothing balm for I was seeking God to help me. Be blessed today as you have blessed me….. doubly so with words to nourish my spirit and a recipe to nourish my body!

    Reply to Nancy
  • Megan

    You have a good heart Taralynn! I agree with you completely.I had to do this a few months ago. It’s very painful but after a while it’s sooo freeing!

    Reply to Megan
  • ML Bishop

    I’m sorry this happened but I have encouraging news. I’m 33. I was there so, so many times in my 20’s with the whole frenemy thing and as you get older you kind of just stop caring. It still happens, or at least people try to make drama happen (at EVERY age, yay) but you have complete control on how much energy it sucks out of you. But now, I’m just like, hey ok if you want to be a piece of crap and show your true colors, I’m cutting you out of my life. We as women truly have no room for people like this in our lives and when that duplicitous side emerges you have to act quickly and shut it down by removing yourself from the situation. You deserve the best, most loyal and lovingly supportive friends, and it’s a sad reality that the herd thins as you get older. But on the bright side, you will end up with a core group of genuine, lifelong friends. 🙂

    Reply to ML Bishop
  • Ally

    I had this situation as well. An old friend who criticized me about talking with another friend about boy problems – saying I was talking behind his back. Well, I found out that the two so-called friends were talking all along behind my back, and even criticizing me to other people. It’s not even worth it to let them have a piece of your mind. They have their view, and cannot see how hypocritical it is. Rise above, be civil, move on and enjoy your life, knowing that you are trying to do right by people, even if they can’t do the same

    Reply to Ally
  • Grace

    This happened to me quite recently too except it was a close family member who betrayed and hurt me. I’m really glad that you found a way to cope. For me, I had to bring it up with that person and tell them exactly how they hurt me and why I won’t be speaking to them for a long while.
    It’s been hard, especially with other family members telling me I need to make up with them but at the moment, my heart just wouldn’t be in it and I’m still hurting.

    You have to put yourself first and if someone abuses that unapologetically, cut them out. They don’t deserve you in their life.

    Reply to Grace
  • Trying to Forgive :)

    So I recently went through the same exact thing. Reading your post actually helped me a lot.

    One of my closest friends/roommate hurt me in a way that I was completely blindsided by.

    A group of us girls/close friends were planning her Bridal shower. The day before the Bridal shower, she sent us a nasty group text saying she wasn’t our friend anymore. That we’ve been leaving her out, etc. With 5 girls and her planning a wedding, sometimes signals get crossed. We immediately apologized and wanted to talk it all out, since it was obviously unintended. She blew us off. Wouldn’t see us or speak to us. Tried to communicate about the Bridal Shower, and basically got a wall of silence.

    2hrs before the Bridal Shower, she tried to cancel the whole thing. We would’ve cancelled it, but her out of town in-laws had already drove in and we didn’t have anyone’s number to cancel. We figured, they drove all that way- the least they could get was a meal since we already paid for everything. More nasty group texts from her, to us all about how she was never going to speak to us again. Everyone started arriving for the shower, so we played it off. Just as we were about to announce the Bride was unable to make it, she walked in.

    Basically it was the most awkward Bridal Shower ever. She wouldn’t speak to us or acknowledge us throughout the entire shower, unless one of her guests was around. But, we never spoke a word of it to anyone else, and just did our best to cover for her.

    After she opened her gifts, loaded them in her car, and then said goodbye to the last guests- she flipped the switch and started screaming at us. Basically, those who were in the wedding were then kicked out of the wedding. And since she’s still my roommate… we’ve been living with her for the past 3 weeks, she basically acts like it never happened. No apology, no nothing. Yet, she has been spreading rumors about how horrible we are.

    To say the least, I’ve been upset/hurt/furious/crying/confused and a million other things. What sucks the most is knowing she isn’t sorry. It’d be so much easier if there was an apology or something. So I guess the only mature thing to do is let it go, for me. Her wedding is this weekend, so she’ll be moving out then.

    Sorry for the long/detailed vent. It just kinda happened… and felt surprisingly good to get all that out.

    Reply to Trying to Forgive :)
  • Christina B

    I commend you for learning to let go of things that are out of your control. I’ve always wished that I had the ability to not let things get to me and to not dwell on the past but it definitely is NOT easy. At the end of the day, you become a better person from taking the high road. And every bad situation shapes you into becoming a stronger, wiser person.

    Reply to Christina B
  • Vitoria

    I have been dealing with a very bad situation as of lately. I broke up with my boyfriend who was moving across country for grad school. We had a lot of issues, well he did. Non commital, an artist always in his head and could be very selfish. But we were together for 8 months and i really care for him but I knew he could barely be my bf here so how could he be mine with an entire continent between us. Long distance can work but not when one partner is giving 100 percent and the other is giving 5 or 10. So I ended it but it hurt me more than him. A week after he left I found out he had asked a mutual friend out for drinks while we had a fight about him not making time for me. I was heart broken to say the least and messaged him about it. He was willing to make time for anyone but me. He said he only did it to vent about our relationship but I just cant trust him and haven’t heard from him since. I hate him and blame him but I also couldn’t help feeling betrayed by my friend. She told me he asked her 2 and a half months before he left. I confided in her and she told me she loved me. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. Needless to say it’s a tough time. Neither has apologized for hurting me. Even if it wasn’t intentional I would like an apology but I need to make peace with the fact that it might never happen. I’m not a religious person but I do believe forgiveness is important not for them but for you. And I agree someone who does something deceitful and sketch to another person and that person doesn’t care, something is wrong with that person not you. My ex is a selfish empty person who has a lot of personal demons. My friend came from awful relationships and is used to defending the most shadiest of actions. But I won’t get to their level. In time I’ll forgive and move on. Not for them but for me. Thank you for this post. I needed this.

    Reply to Vitoria
  • Claire

    “The worst part of betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies” >>so true. Currently working to forgive an extended family member in an ongoing situation of never ending attack, and this post could not have been more perfectly timed.

    This is one of the most beautifully written posts you have ever written, and thank you for touching us with your insight into this really difficult topic. It’s always conforting to offer our struggles and crosses to God so thank you also for that reminder:)

    Some of the best advice I’ve ever been given on forgiveness is learning that forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. If we actively pray for the person and tell God we forgive him/her in our hearts, letting go of all associated anger, hate, irritation, etc. that we previously held them to, we are making the choice to forgive, even if we do not “feel” we are forgiving them. We are allowed to feel hurt or sadness about being wronged, & we do not have to continue to facilitate a relationship with that person to forgive them (& should not if it would be unhealthy or unhelpful for one or both parties to do so) Forgiving is choosing to move forward and not dwell on actively thinking or acting negatively towards them…which I am actively working on at the moment:)

    You are beautiful and have such a kind heart; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or make you ever feel inferior<3
    Oxox

    Reply to Claire
  • Bree

    I am going through something very similar and thanks for reminding me to give it to God and he will help me through this. Always love your posts!!

    Reply to Bree
  • Jill

    Forgive, but don’t forget, and just choose to move on.

    Reply to Jill
  • Carolyn

    I love this post! I am the same way, very loyal to friends. I had a situation about two years ago that put me in the same situation of how do I handle this.I turned it over to God and realized that that was the best thing I could have done. I forgave that person, but also realized that I did not need them in my life. I hope your situation turns out ok and thank you for so openly talking about your faith in this kind of situation!

    Reply to Carolyn
  • Jillian

    Great advice Tara!
    And that picture of you in gorgeous!! You are such a natural beauty!
    xoxo

    Reply to Jillian
  • jerry

    Hi taralynn, the way I handle severe betrayal is by letting them have it… Then moving on. Get that stuff off your chest, best in a poised email. believe me that will resonate and give you a chance to articulate your feelings thru writing.

    Also, you learn to keep people here…here and……here.

    Reply to jerry
  • Linda @ the fitty

    I always forgive the best that I can but I’ll never forget.

    Reply to Linda @ the fitty
  • Catherine

    I love this post. I am a pretty trustworthy and loyal person, and it is hard when someone betrays/hurts you. I am so happy that you found a way to let it go. I think handing things over to God is the best (hardest sometimes) thing we can do when we are frustratedor hurting. Thank you for sharing this and for sharing your faith with us so openly!

    Reply to Catherine
  • Violet

    I don´t know what she did to you, but I know how it feels like and it´s because the person that it comes from.
    I´ve been reading you since a few months ago I read your story and I feel connected to you in the way you see life and to be honest I could die for a friend like you. I see you´re authentic and most of all you´re a beautiful human because you are spending time of your life sharing it to the world, it would sound repeated but you are inspiration to be better.
    I hope you received these words not from a follower but as a friend.
    (Sorry for my grammathical errors, if there are, not from U.S.)
    Saludos!

    Reply to Violet
  • Abbey

    I dealt with a situation like this and it came from someone who I considered family. It took so long for me to forgive her and sometimes I felt like I never could. I do my best to remind myself that people come into your life to teach you something, good or bad and you learn from experience which ones are which, but you seem to have handled that situation so strongly and in the best way possible! 🙂

    Reply to Abbey
  • Taryn

    Good for you! It is extremely difficult to learn not to just “react” to situations. I was once told that there aren’t just two choices…look for a 3rd choice bc it’s usually the best. It looks like you did that. I’m sorry someone hurt you though that always sucks 🙁

    Reply to Taryn
  • Lauren

    Hey
    When you forgive someone its not about them. It’s about allowing yourself to move foward in your life, and be happy whether or not they stay in your life or not.
    Since I’ve started forgiving people as I got older I’m happier. They no longer have a hold on me.
    A good friend of mine said this. “Hating someone is like you drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.”
    Have a good day
    XO Lauren

    Reply to Lauren
  • Jen

    I always love reading your posts, and I so appreciate your ability to be real & vulnerable & transparent – especially when it comes to matters of the heart, and where you stand in regards to your commitment to being true to yourself, your readers, and your faith.

    Interestingly – right after I read this post, I read something in a book that dealt with this topic head on – and I had to come back to comment (I’ve never done that before! haha) to share it with you. It’s from Brian Houston’s book called “Live, Love, Lead.” Brian is the lead pastor of Hillsong Church – I have a copy but the book is technically not out yet in the states, but you can pre-order it. Having been a follower of yours for some time now, I actually really think you will like this book!

    Regarding forgiveness, Brian Houston wrote:
    “In these moments we can choose to allow disappointment to create a root of bitterness or deep-seated hurt in us, or we can allow it to humble us and extend understanding and love. Such disappointment is an opportunity to evaluate and consider our own lives and the effect we can have on those around us.”

    Praising Him now that you were able to allow the Spirit to move you towards forgiveness..and praying that He would continue to comfort you as you move past the hurt!

    🙂

    Reply to Jen
  • Michelle

    Hi Taralynn! I don’t really ever post comments but after reading this I felt the need to. I want to commend you for putting yourself out there, even though there are many negative people who feel the need to bring others down. Putting your faith in God and letting him help you solve an issue, such as this, is the best choice you can make. I hope for you and everyone to be happy and to give it to God!

    Reply to Michelle
  • Kristin C

    I’m proud of you. That is ALWAYS a tough situation, but you handled it the right way for sure. God is good and can help us forgive. Sometimes, forgiveness is even a daily thing. I know I will all of a sudden get super mad about something I thought I let go of months before hand. In that moment, I just have to give it back to God again, ask His forgiveness for dredging it up, and move forward.

    ps- your pictures are gorgeous. You look lovely.

    Reply to Kristin C
  • Jessica

    Tara –

    I love this post! I, too, am a very loyal friend and would do anything for my friends and family. One thing that I CANNOT stand is when people aren’t trusting. I always trust people until they give me a reason not to. I’m not a very confrontational person, so when someone has hurt me or lied to me, I usually keep to myself (for the most part). I may have a conversation with them about the issue; however, I try to keep things civil. In the heat of the moment sometimes things are said that people don’t really mean so I try to avoid those types of situations. You did the right thing by letting it go. You showed that you are truly the bigger person. I thought this quote was perfect for your post “How you treat me is your karma, how I react is mine.” <3

    Reply to Jessica
  • Libby

    You have more willpower than I do. You aint wanna know what I did last time soeone backsatabedd me!

    Reply to Libby

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