I have mixed emotions right now, and I don’t know how this post is going to go or if I’ll end up publishing it, but I’m going to try to put my words together for you. I’ve been asked so many times to do some updates on running, my fitness, what I eat in a day, and all things health and fitness related. I’ve been very open with how I’ve taken a huge hiatus from fitness and the whole diet culture for a while. The reason I’ve been avoiding those topics is that I’ve been trying to give my brain a cleanse from all things health and fitness related.
Here’s where my mixed emotions come to play.
Last fall, I took a hiatus from working out, caring about the food I ate or cautiously watching my portion sizes. I’ve been very intuitive with my diet and exercise. I eat when I’m hungry (even if I just had lunch an hour ago), I go for a walk if I feel like it, and I have chocolate more than once a day if I want it. There haven’t been any rules for the way I live in a long time, and I’ve never felt this “normal.” The crazy part is that when you do physically recover from an eating disorder, it takes years for you to recover mentally. Anyone who’s been through it knows exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, consider yourselves very lucky. There were days when I never thought I’d get into that mindset. And it doesn’t help when your life is on the internet, and so many opinions about your body are circulating the comment section. If you gained weight, they let you know, and if you lose weight, they also let you know. That’s not healthy for anyone, and it’s not just the internet; I have people close in my life that are extremely toxic when it comes to diet culture, and I have to check myself out from those conversations completely. Thank you, therapist, for those exercises! As soon as I was old enough to walk and talk, I was already being introduced into the diet culture. I’d do my mom’s workout videos with her, I’d drink her Slimfast shakes, and I’d mimic my aunt’s Atkins diet. I was doing everything I could, even as a little kid, just to be thin and fit. My entire life up until a few years ago had been consumed with haunting thoughts and negative body positivity. I’ve been very open about it on the blog but took a step back these past months and chose not to talk about anything as I went on a new journey of exiting this whole “diet” world.
Where I’m going with this.
Since taking my hiatus, I’ve been very happy and stress-free. All of my friends are extremely into fitness, and it’s been hard dealing with the FOMO and saying “no” when it comes to going to the gym or training for a race with them. But I’ve been very confident with my “no,” and that’s been the best part. I now feel healed in the mind and would like to start getting myself back into the world of fitness, but for the right reasons. I want to start reaching for more whole foods again and not having frozen pizza two nights in a row. I want to walk more trails and play more tennis now that it’s getting warmer. I don’t want to get back into running yet, but maybe eventually. The reason I want to start getting more active is so that I can feel strong, boost endorphins, and simply get into shape. When I say “get into shape,” I mean not heavy breathing after running up the stairs. I used to think “getting into shape” was looking good in a bikini, but that’s not the case. This time, I’m going into fitness differently. I’m ready for it this time. I used to force myself to do things because I let my diet culture mindset win. The crazy part is that even after my hiatus, my weight is lower than it has been in a few years, and my jeans fit me better. My doctor told me it’s because working out was causing my cortisol levels to rise so much, and after taking the hiatus, my body wasn’t in stress-mode, and I was losing weight. Again, it’s not about the weight, but that was just an example as to why I was not ready for fitness during that time in my life. I just want to get this all out here just in case anyone can relate to how I’m feeling or this stage in my life that I’m going through. And if none of this makes sense to you and you just came here for the smoothie recipe, scroll below. Starting today, I want to be more proactive in my activity levels. My Apple Watch is actually on the charger for the first time in five months…
I’m not going on a diet…
Last night, after eating the last slice of frozen pizza, I said to Kyle, “I think I’m going to start Whole30 tomorrow.” And then I thought to myself, WHY?” Was I just doing that because I felt bad about the pizza, or was I just sinking back into old habits? Well, whatever it was, I quickly said, “no, you’re not going to do Whole30 tomorrow.” Instead, “You’re going to go to the grocery store and purchasing a ton of great nutritious foods and continue to eat intuitively.” So that is what I did today. I loaded my cart with fresh produce, frozen fruits for smoothies, fresh fish, tea, dark chocolate, gluten-free bread, crackers, hummus, yogurt, roasted almonds, protein powder, and more. My goal is to keep eating as healthy as possible but treating myself whenever I feel like I want something. I was just very proud of myself for sticking out this long-term goal of mine, and always practicing intuitive eating and zero limitations. Life, for me, is about balance. For example, on Wednesday night, I had french fries for dinner and didn’t think twice about it. Old me would have been distraught.
There’s no moral to the story here other than that it’s human for us to want to fall back into old habits, but we need to recognize that and choose the better route. My goal this spring is to start eating better and moving more but for the RIGHT reasons. It’s simple, and maybe this inspired someone to do the same, or not to go down the route they didn’t want to go when it came to “dieting.”
Now, I hope you’re ready for some smoothie bowls, trail walking posts, tennis, big jumbo salads, and more this spring! I’m ready to start feeling like my best self again.
This weekend, I am going to do THREE active things. I challenge you to do the same. I’ll be talking more about this on Monday, and I hope you report back with what activities you did! 😊 Sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I feel like it’s the best form of therapy! Typing this out also helps, and I always feel like you all hold me accountable when I mention something. I know at least one of you will, and that’s all it takes for me to feel it.
Oh, you wanted this smoothie bowl recipe? It’s just unsweetened cashew milk, fresh spinach, frozen raspberries, frozen peaches, and one scoop of Vega vanilla with greens protein powder. I topped it with banana, granola, coconut, and chia seeds!
Questions for you
- Did you notice my lack of health and fitness posts?
- What will you do to get active this weekend?
- Would you like me to talk more about this new journey?