As humans, we all struggle. We struggle when it comes to emotions, and we struggle when it comes to vanity, not all of us, but a lot of us. I wish I could be that person that wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror, and loves what they see. I don’t think I’ve ever been that person, and it makes me sad. I truly want to embrace my flaws, love every inch of my body, love who I am inside, but I’ve never found a way to do it. My entire life, I’ve felt hovered by nasty and un-welcomed thoughts that fester in my mind. I’m not the type of person that doesn’t work hard either, and I think that’s the frustrating part. If I don’t like something, I’ll do everything I can to control or change it. When things can’t be controlled, it becomes a bigger problem, and this behavior gets unhealthy.
I’ve been on almost all ends of the body types. I’ve been overweight, underweight, and fit. No matter what body type I fell under, I was unhappy. It all came down to the “number.” This number meant a lot to me. I’d rather see this “goal number” on the scale over receiving a million dollar check. I’d choose the number over almost anything. That number controlled my emotions, my activity, my nutrition, my actions, my entire life. I see this number affect the people around me. I know I’m not alone because I see it every day. I can tell someone not to worry about the number on the scale, but secretly find myself doing it. Oh, yeah, I’m being hypocritical and dishing advice I can’t take.
I also have some really positive people who inspire me daily. One of my best friends, who is super fit, has no idea how much she weighs because she doesn’t own a scale, and she’s always radiating happiness. I’m sure she has her down days, but she doesn’t have the number floating above her thoughts 24/7. When I look up, I can see that number above my head, and it’s my daily reminder of how I should be treating my body. Yeah, I know. That’s not healthy. I guess that is why I’m writing this.
For the past months, I have been more active than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I get in almost 20,000 steps a day, miles of dog walks, sixty-minute HIIT classes five days a week, yoga once a week, my macros are all recorded, I drink over 80 fl ounces of water a day, and get over 8 hours of sleep a night. So, it’s safe to say I was pretty frustrated when I stepped on the scale today. How in the world did I manage to gain more weight? Sometimes I feel like just flat out giving up and giving myself a break, but that’s not my personality. I’ll try and try and try until things work. I don’t give up. I also wish I could stop worrying about the way I look and just relax. Even after running 13.1 miles, I was upset with how my legs looked. I forgot to give myself credit for what I had just achieved.
So, goodbye scale. Here is why: that scale told me I gained weight. I got mad, thought nasty things, and almost let it ruin my entire day. It’s like a never ending cycle, a battle I can’t win. BUT, that scale forgot to tell me that I lost 4.5% body fat, am holding onto water for muscle repair, that I’m building muscle and that weighing less isn’t going to make me a better person. But, for some reason, the pressure to be a certain “number” has always brought me down, especially when you can’t control it.
For the past month, not stepping on the scale made me a happier person. I loved seeing my body transform in the gym. I loved seeing my toned up arms, giant quads, my butt toned and plumped, and the transformation from weight lifting. I lost all of that confidence as soon as I stepped on the scale this morning. Why the hell did I do it? I took a deep breath, swallowed the anxiety, and headed to my workout class. I sat in the front row so I could make sure my form was good while doing the circuits. I didn’t pay much attention to the form. I paid attention to the muscles I built, the girl on the inside, and the fact that the scale was no longer going to have a place in my life. Going to the fitness classes, being a part of the community, and gaining those endorphins make me so happy. I look forward to every day.
I am going to continue this fitness journey that I’m on right now. I almost didn’t go to the workout because of that scale, and I can’t let it get in my life anymore. I have to let my body do its thing, and focus on being strong, being in shape, and being happy. It’s important to change the things that make us feel less important, or that bring us down. While I try to change and be a better person, I have to remove the things holding me down. Don’t get me wrong; I am still a very happy person. I love my life, and wouldn’t change it for the world, but it’s my job, to be honest, and open with you. I know someone is reading this that can relate, even if it seems silly. I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, and I’ll be back to posting recipes tomorrow.
I need to do a little more reading, relaxing, jumping out of planes, and finding a new hobby that doesn’t involve vanity. Your weight doesn’t make you beautiful; it’s what you contribute to the world.
I am willing to change. I want to change. I need to change.
So, Goodbye scale. I’m breaking up with you. You no longer control me. You no longer have a place in my life. You are no longer welcomed here. You lie. I’m happier without you. You suck. You’re dead to me.
Questions for you
- Have you ever had to say goodbye to something that was bringing you down?
- Did you ever break up with your scale?
- How do you focus on living a positive and healthy lifestyle